Leaving the secure if somewhat claustrophobic bubble of the NICU after three months was tinged with many conflicting emotions. We so desperately wanted to be a “normal” family, yet in our hearts we dreaded the day that the enormous responsibility of caring for our daughter would be placed on our shoulders alone. Our parenting journey to date had been filled with medical emergencies, medical interventions, enough medical personal to fill a football team and very little family time to enable us get to know Amelia.
My perceptions of motherhood prior to the birth of Amelia were filled with moments of touching, loving, holding, breathing in her smell, caressing and caring, however, the reality that I was faced with was so very different. For three months I traveled 90 minutes each way to spend 12 to 14 hours sitting at my daughter’s incubator. There was very little touching or caressing her tiny frame. The only smells detectable were the smells of the hand sanitizers, the hand wash soaps and the unit’s cleaning products. I didn’t get to hold Amelia until she was four weeks old even though my baby girl lay inches away from my tear stained face. I reached out to her in my head and heart and I’m certain that you could hear my heart beating in my chest every time her monitor alarms triggered.
May 2006, strolling along the sun-kissed shores of the Indian Ocean, having spent 16 glorious days on the beautiful island of Mauritius, I turned to my partner, John. No longer could I keep the secret that I had been saving for the “right moment” and announced that we had a much longed for baby on the way. This news was the icing on the cake for what had been a wonderful year for us as a couple and now we had a bright future to look forward to with a child of our own. We returned to Ireland filled with excitement and looking forward to the pregnancy and our new roles as parents. For the next nine weeks my pregnancy was a mixture of day long “morning sickness” followed by periods of extreme fatigue, but nothing could dampen the joy and love that we felt for our growing infant. Continue reading